Saturday, September 20, 2014

simpsons live blog

Hey, how about a live blog of one of those simpsons episodes I last wrote about. Please note I am writing on my touchscreen phone, so this will probably be typo ridden and kinda suck.

And, cue Today I am a Clown in 3, ("here comes 2!") 2, 1

Welcome to the simpsons kinda live blog folks. This episode was recorded on 8/27 and i am watching it on 9/20/14. It organically aired on 12/7/03.

We have the classic opening with a classic chalkboard gag "over forty and single is not funny". But hey it could be, if your spouse died in a hilarious fashion and you had to weekend at berries him. Because THAT is classic.

And we have a commercial for the league. I like that show you shitsippers. But should we be concerned with all the guy bashing? 90% of the jokes are about one dude blowing another or getting buttfucked.   To be fair though, they are much more clever than just calling someone "gay" or a homo. So we should allow it.

Alright here we go. The simpsons house is blue and homer is signing about China. Oooo, bathroom line. Thank god I never have to deal with that again. Master bath for the win. Plus we have four toilets and only plan on having two kids. High fives!

House call from Dr Hibbert! With a poochie shout out! Damn a bunch of puppies. Seems oddly familiar. Oh lisa referenced it. Meta!

Apparently Springfield has a dog red light district. Out here we call it the dog park

It's not that hard to neuter a dog. A person, yes. Dog, nope. Grip it and snip it i say.

Someone needs to do an in depth analysis of snake. A lot of emotional layers to peel. He is the emotional onion of the aimpsons.

Heeeeeere's Kristy, proud owner if a puppy. Going for a walk through Jew town. That is one ugly dog. Chain photos shout out! He is one of my favorite authora.

Kristy never had a bar mitzvah! Is that something they ask you if you want to join a Jewish club? It doesn't make you Jewish? Kristy is an anti smite! Because he is self loathing. The League made that exact joke last sea Olson. Simpsons Did It!

Commercial break one. Off for a Scotch refill. Drinking some Dewar White label tonight. Because it is pretty good and very cheap. All the scotch drinkers I know keep it in the house for daily scotch drinking. Note: I don't know any investment bankers.   I also have some Blue Label for super special occasions (so far just my wedding), and Glendive 18 year old bought duty free in greece for drinking when I feel like I deserve an attaboy.   The Glenlivet is great.

Back. Oh my god. Kristy is sad because something didn't go his way. This never happens! Here comes rabbi krustovsky. Kristy is a shitty clown. Cannot even get some kids to laugh. He is a shitty Jew too. Calls it Kasher.

Have we decided whether Krusty has a white face for real? I an sure he does. Like a Michael Jackson kinda deal

And the obligatory itchy and scratchy brass cartoon.

Monkey massage! I need a helper monkey for massage and ummm, everything.

Jon Stewart shootout. Do people still say shout out? Probably not. I will use name drop from now owb.

So Homer is a talk show host now. He says what everyone is thinking!

Hmmmm, I should have thought more about talking points.

Wait Krusty is getting cancelled. Another thing that has never happened before!

Commercial break 2.

I think i already combined about Fx production value of the aimpsons. They haven't changed it since it has been airing. This to me is dumb. It's like the time Joss When on said he would never release buffy in letterbox format because it was shit in 4:3. It is meant to be viewed in 4:3. When you fuck with that you are essentially changing the show. It passes me off. Not sure why. Now get off my lawn!

Homer is a big hit as a talk show host. Lisa wants him to use his power for good. I wonder how the stone cutters feel about this?

Fox joke!

It's the Krusty komeback special! Nope its a bar mitzvah this time.

And Lisa's good advice is once again lost on the dense Springfield population. Lol, Krusty wet and wild bar mitzvah.  First two rows may get wet.

With all the domestic violence in the news, should homer still strangle bart? As a side note, drew me gary wrote a good piece on about corporal punishment and it was basically, hitting the kid means you failed.

Oooo, ot twist homer got cancelled!   Thought this job would last him a few weeks.

Krusty disappointed his father. So he wants a real bar mitzvah.

Mr T gets the last word.

The end.

This was a Meh episode. However I would say the problem is that I missed some jokes because I was trying to blog. I think i had one chuckle the whole episode. The Krusty plot was nothing new, but the b story seemed like the main driver of this episode. Clearly a latter day simpsons episodes. D+.

Sorry for the typos! Maybe I will fix them one day.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Filling a Niche--10 Late Series Simpsons Episodes to DVR

If you are anything like me, and I suspect you aren't but we probably have at least this in common, you are a fan of The Simpsons.  As you probably know, FXX is currently doing a  marathon of every episode ever.  I have it on right now.  We just finished Lurleen Lumpkin's debut episode.  Of course, I do not know why I am watching the marathon because I have Seasons 1 through 13 on DVD.  So I could simply be watching the episodes without commercials and without this godawful pan and scan.

So its great that they are doing the marathon, but I could really care less about the first six days.  I have all those seasons on DVD and I have watched those episodes countless times.  But around season 13, I started losing interest because the show got really bad.  I don't even know if it was bad in comparison to what it once was or in comparison to all primetime television, but suffice to say, I was no longer watching.

Now lots of articles coming out have given their lists of ten or twenty or fifty simpsons episodes to DVR and all of these inevitably come from the first 13 seasons (really the first ten).  So I have culled the internet and am giving you dear reader, the gift what Not-So-Crappy The SImpsons Episodes to DVR from the last 12 (13?) seasons.  Disclaimer:  I have not seen any of these episodes (and if I did, I have forgotten basic plot details).

  1. The Great Louse Detective--8/27, 2:00 pm ET (Season 14).  Sideshow Bob! Antics! Let the good times roll.
  2. Moe Baby Blues--8/27, 9:30 pm ET (Season 14).  Here is an usual pairing.  Moe & Maggie!  Oh I cannot even imagine what antics they may be up to.  If this is anything like the Babysitters Club books my sisters used to read, this episode is probably mildly interesting!
  3. Today, I Am A Clown--8/28, 1:00 a.m. ET (Season 15).  Krusty episodes are always good.  Well, the WERE always good.  It looks like Rabbi Hyman Krustofski makes an appearance (and enjoy him while he lasts, because he is on the chopping block)
  4. Treehouse of Terror XVII--8/29, 8:30 am ET (Season 18).  The promo photo for this episode has Otto dressed as a John Dillenger-type, complete with Tommy Gun.  Sold.  Stories include the Blob, a 1920s silent film, and real life reaction to World of the Wars.
  5. Eternal Moonshine of the Simpsons Mind--8/30, 12:00 am ET (Season 19).  Any movie that makes Kate Winslet likable is ripe for parody.  Allegedly a darker episode, which makes me think they were actually trying.
  6. Any Given Sundance--8/30, 4:30 am ET (Season 19).  A film festival episode without all integrity destroying corporate intervention that sullied the first Springfield Film Festival.  Hopefully this also includes a football to the groin (baseball to the groin would be acceptable, but 67% less funny).
  7. Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words--8/30, 8:30 am ET (Season 20).  Well this one caught my eye because earlier today I watched the classic episode where Lisa helps Homer bet on football.  In this episode, Homer bets against Lisa.  Fireworks are sure to happen, just as assuredly as Mr. Burns will not be donating money to the orphanage even though pigs can fly.
  8. The Bob Next Door--8/31, 3:00 am ET (Season 21).  Sideshow Bob back for Revenge!  Watch for rakes.
  9. Politically Inept, With Homer Simpson--8/31. 7:30 pm ET (Season 23).  Homer Simpson as Glenn Beck?  I thought Glenn Beck built his career on being Homer Simpson.  Seriously though, what better person to play a Fox News blowhard than Homer Jay Simpson.
  10. Holidays of Future Past--8/31, 7:00 pm ET (Season 23).  At least one person likes this episode:  Everything is coming up Milhouse!

So there you go.  An almost completely arbitrary list of episodes to watch.  OK, not quite arbitrary, as I consulted Vulture, AV Club, and something called  Anyway, I haven't seen anyone else do this, so this is the best you are gonna get! (though the "professional" websites are probably just waiting until next week because, jeez still five more days until season 14).

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Jobs Series

No. This is isn't dirty. Much like the name of this blog is permissive joinder, I can see you would think that a post called the "Jobs Series" is either dirty or about Steve Jobs.

This is about neither.

This is about me.

It seems a bit strange to me that since I met my wife, I have had one job. Well, I have worked for the same employer, but since I UPROOTED MY WHOLE DAMN LIFE TO MOVE TO CHICAGO TO BE WITH HER, I have had vastly different responsibilities than I had in DC. So I count it as one job.

But before I met her, I had lots of jobs. I started working when I was fifteen, and when I met her I was 27. Seems like a short time, those twelve years. Hell, we have known each other for six years now, coming round the bend of our first wedding anniversary. And yet, I have had all these jobs that she does not know too much about (none have been as a gigilo, FYI). I am sure I have attempted to tell her about them, but as you know, talking ain't my game, so sticking to long-winded storytelling with run-on sentences is the best way for me to tell her.

So we are gonna go through them. One-by-one. Warts and all. We should all learn something here. I will probably remember a job or two that I forgot I had. I just counted 13 jobs, so expect 13 posts (or 12, two of them were similar-ish, but not really the same at all, ok, ok, I will give them two separate posts). There may be more if I remember a different job.

Regardless, consider this a relaunch.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

bad wedding guests

You might be a bad wedding guest if you do any of the following

  • Buy a gift off the registry then call the mother of the bride and bitch about how expensive it is
  • Call to RSPV and then point out a tiny typo as you laugh about how the bride cannot spell
  • After laughing at the bride you call the next day to request an invite for your mom
  • You give an envelope and card wo even putting in ten bucks
  • You tell everyone who listens that the engagement food was "awful" and "disgusting," including the mother of the bride
  • You call the parents of the bride up to degrade the bride's choice of wording when she referred to you and your husband as Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so
Be a good guest you guys.

Monday, April 29, 2013

This Is Puzzling

I have a habit of doing things that defy logic. Starting up a blog when I have clearly lost the talent to keep it updated is one. Another would be, well just read through my old old blog if you really want to wander down that worm hole. The point is I still do things that defy logic, only I have slightly matured with age making my eccentricities somewhat more . . . boring?

Lex and I are having a bridal shower, because fuck yeah all the shit.  Well no, it is not about getting stuff, it is about being surrounded by a bunch of women judging us.  Now wait, scratch that, it is about the stuff.  But we have to look like we care, so we have to have a theme, and think it all out, etc. etc.*

Our theme is Washington, D.C.  And I figured to make the whole thing come together, I would procure, and build, a 3D Washington DC Puzzle.  I mean just look at this thing, it is pretty fucking cool.**

It has all the great touristy spots, plus it has the building where I worked.  Whenever I am a loss for conversation with one of 70 women, I can just say, "Hey, you can see my office from here."  Ice be broken, bitches.

So you see, me, the dude who has been too busy to blog for the last 80 months or so (blog well anyway), decided, "oh hey, look at this cool as shit puzzle.  I can do this.  Oh its only 1,100 pieces?  Fuck that, it is two layers, so it is really only two 550 piece puzzles.   Plus, like 30 of the pieces are the buildings, so really, its a child-size puzzle, and I can do child size and be hungry for more!"

Here is my progress through last weekend:

I almost have the border done.  I may be missing pieces.  I better not be missing fucking pieces though.

I will keep you updated.  And I just realized instead of writing this, maaaaayyyyybe I should have been puzzling.  But hey, I do have that day off coming up, maybe that would be a good time to puzzle this one out . . .

*This is a dramatized version of my viewpoint.  I do not understand all this hoopla for the shower, but I get that it is important and we have to throw a fun party.

**They call it 4D because it is a trip through time, but that is just dumb.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Yes, we suck.

HTB gave be a Christmas gift (This blog. Plus some beautiful pearl earrings) and he neglected it. I neglected it.

It is dying faster than the kale plant we bought (which lasted 3 weeks MAYBE).


But between work and wedding planning things kind of fall between the cracks.

For example:

This month (and the last 2 months) were spent trying to wrap up a stock purchase closing. And OPC was the biggest asshole of all time. Plus I have been dealing with OPC Toadface who REFUSES to do any sort of negotiation for settlement or even look at photos I want to provide for him or to look at the settlement agreement we worked out FOR THIS EXACT CASE. Plus I have another OPC who likes to file things like Motions to Dismiss and demand a ruling instanter.

When it comes to wedding planning, I am freaking drowning. Everyone asks how it is coming along. The answer: it is not coming along at all. I have no party favors for the shower. I have no planned centerpieces. I kind of want to name the tables as monuments but I need like 12 tables and we cant pick depressing ones (like Vietnam). I have considered doing president bobble heads. Which would be kind of fun and cute. But I leave all of that firmly in HTB's hands. We did get our shower invitations (I love them) and now we have to print and put them together and this HAS TO BE DONE BEFORE THE WEEKEND IS OVER.

But I dont have a lot of things: wedding invitations, wedding flowers, groom/groomsmen tuxes, shower favors (I am leaning towards compact mirrors), no engagement photos (waiting for real spring), no save the dates out (I have ideas, struggling with execution), rehearsal dinner has not been planned, there has been no decision on wedding night if we are going to a hotel or our house, no limo, no hair/makeup planned.

But everything will get done. It always does.

Monday, April 22, 2013


I think about writing here everyday.  I think it is important that you know that.  I really do take the time out of my day to consider posting something here.  Every single day. 

But then I don't.  Which I am sure you can gather by the dearth of posts here.  But this poor neglected blog is in my thoughts everyday.  It is important that you understand that I am really just the deadbeat dad of this blog.

I try.  Or at least try to try.  I suppose that is what thinking of a blog topic is.  Trying to try.

My excuse, and it is not so much an excuse so much as it is reality intercut with a healthy dose of laziness with a dash of television shows are better than they ever have been, with a pinch of yay, I am back in the central time zone and can watch all the Hawks games, is that I am just busy all the fucking time (there is hardly time left for getting Bizz-ayyy).

Take this weekend.  I sleep in because I need to catch up on sleep on Saturdays because I get six or seven on a good night hours of sleep during the week.  Because I am old I go to bed around midnight.  This Saturday I was just getting up at 11 when Lex telephoned me with the agenda for the day.  Errands in the morning are fine I say, I just need to run ten miles this afternoon then.  Spoiler alert:  didn't run.  But that is ok.  As I waited for LEx to come pick me up (yup, I am that guy.  Or she was already out because she gets up early or something), I made some breakfast and watched some prematurely released Happy Endings.  Then errands, which went right around the area of the overflowing Des plaines river.  After that, dinner with Lex's family followed by some purse shopping.  Shopping wasn't a total waste of time for me though, I did purchase a new pair of jeans, bringing my total jean count to 4 (and wearable count to 2 as one pair is holier than Jesus and the other pair, assuming I can get it buttoned squeezes my balls so badly I sound like a ten year old girl when I wear them).  Then it was off to sleep because Sunday was church, charity brunch, and baptism.  Then I ended up making cookies with Lex's mom before eating one too many beef sandwiches.

All told, quite the busy weekend.  Hell, if I had to do any one of those things over the course of the weekend, I would consider it a busy weekend.  Lex's family is much mroe go go go than me.  So I need my vegging time at the end of the day while watching Friends reruns

Undoubtedly at this point, you are wondering why you are so lucky to be graced with such a whiny post about having to do normal people things all of the time.  A confluence of events my friend.  A confluence of events.

First, someone started banging doors in my building at 11:30 last night which woke me up.  When I wake up in the middle of the night like that (or the early of the night like that), I have trouble falling back asleep.  So i decided to sleep in until 6:45 rather than getting up at 5:45.  Extra sleep means that I am extra rested for a Monday.  And I would usually run at lunch at work, but did not today because I went in at a normal time and it was so fucking nice outside.  Now Lex, because she is the best fiancee in the world, stopped by my house today to make me dinner even though she was unable to stay.  So when I got home dinner was ready.  But I decided to run for an hour before eating.  So I ran, showered, and started laundry before eating.  Which is nice, because that means I did not have to prepare dinner.  Also nice, I do not have to prepare lunch for tomorrow because my mom is coming down to the city so I will be having lunch with her.  That alone is an hour of savings.

Usually while I run, because running is boring as hell, I think about things to blog about.  However, I usually never get around to blogging those ideas.  But today, I finished my run, and hey, time to blog whilst I await my laundry drying because I do not have to make lunch or dinner!

So that dear reader, is why you get a blog post tonight.  If I were you, i would hold my breath for the next one.  I bet you can do it.

Blogging is coming.